I went to Sweden and I lost. I lost many kilos and then I lost my fight; gutted.
It is the worst feeling to go to someone else’s country and lose to them. The fight has been debated by the people who watched it on live streaming back here in OZ and the people who booed when they announced the other girl the winner (home town golden girl) but the reality is I lost and there is nothing I can do about it now. It is hard to quantify the feelings when you lose at a grand scale but I did write some thoughts down at the time for this blog: “Losing is the worst feeling especially when so much of yourself is spent visualising the win. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Did I actually lose? But in my head for so long I had myself winning; every day turning up to the gym day, day in, day out.”
When I felt like I couldn’t give anymore then bam I’m giving more and tearing up my comfort zone. Disappointment, shame, disbelief; all the emotions one steers away from in life, I charge head first towards. Thank goodness for these blogs, at least I can verbalise my feelings and make them legitimate rather than a running commentary in my own head in the loneliness of my hotel room.
The loser trophy: a burger with chips at a corner Turkish takeaway in Boras, Sweden…does it taste good? Not really, it’s bitter – self-pity is also bitter.
On a brighter note, I got down to 53.5kgs which is the smallest I have been in nearly 2 years! I was wrapped about it (at the dismay of my competitors in Australia). The question of weight has been a hot topic with my opponents back home, especially now that the state titles are only 3 weeks away. The question keeps coming back to me, ‘Bianca what weight are you today, is your weight fine…blah, blah, blah – so and so has been asking’ Ha! I did it! Most of these people, who pose this question secretly want me to lose, I know it; I’m not kidding myself anymore. It used to do my head in, but now I just smile and politely say everything is fine. The stakes are high and there are a lot of people waiting for me to trip but that’s OK because I love the pressure I will not let it scare me. The reality is I am obviously doing something right at home to get my weight down.
All I can say is thank God for being back home and having access to THR1VE again. One month of eating potatoes, beef and cabbage in Russia, although tasted lovely, has made me appreciate the balance I have with my eating here. Thank you THR1VE for having my back and thank you to the support and emails I had from the people who pushed me through moments of loneliness and self- doubt in Russia, particularly to Micmac, mum, Paul, Herbert and Ben Edwards. My determination is getting stronger and more refined every day.
I am highly competitive with myself; my weight and the people around me. Good or bad thing? Not sure, time will tell all I can do is try to and stay focused and balanced.
– Bam Bam